Ladies & Gentlemen, Presenting The Miss Universe ‘LIVE’…From India!

The Miss Universe goof up is not going my way. It’s dying a natural, graceful death where everyone is saying sorry, the winner is reaching out to the first runner-up, and the girl who almost had it, Miss Colombia, is graciously and stoically accepting her fate. Steve Harvey is still being considered the host for the next Miss Universe. A great happy end to a botched up tale.

Miss Universe
Courtesy: Missuniverse.com
Miss Universe
Courtesy: Missuniverse.com

I’ve been through this saga from the beginning to the end. As a person used to seeing chaos all around me in this country, I couldn’t make head or tail of what was happening. I was totally unprepared for the unexpected grace and compassion shown by both the beauty queens in question. When I heard rumours of Miss Columbia suing the organizers, it looked as if my faith in humanity was being restored. But with the rumours quashed, I was left defeated.

It left me wondering what the aftershocks of this terrible mistake would have been had India hosted the event.

The first thing that we would all do is to blame shift. The whole of India would be abuzz with trying to find a scapegoat for the entire mess up!

The Government in power in India as always, would have been the first to wash its hands away from any blame. From the opposition to the neighbouring country, everything would be in the gambit to decide who would do this to ‘destabilize’ India.

The Miss Universe mix up would egg Rahul Gandhi to go on a padayatra demanding that the PM resign on moral grounds. He would have categorically told us that such a goof up would not have taken place had UPA been in power.

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The AAP would go on a dharna, wanting to know if there were kickbacks in trying to crown Miss Philippines instead of Miss Colombia.

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The RSS and Bajrang Dal would distance itself from the event totally, saying that the contest is intrinsically against ‘bhartiya sanskriti’.

Our media friends would be in a tizzy with the new fodder. In their excitement, they would clamber up the stage to ask the most unexpected question to a bewildered Miss Colombia, a relieved Miss Philippines, a red-faced host, a goofed-up production house, ‘aaj aapko kaisa lag raha hai?’

Special in-depth interviews would be carried out on the faux pas. Our previous beauty queens and Page 3 celebrities would be questioned to have their say on the matter. I can well imagine some of the sensational new channels with such headlines, “Aakhir kya tha Miss Colombia ka kasoor?” “Jeet kar bhi na jeeti Miss Colombia”…

Our media watchdog Arnab would want to know with the entire country how such a goof up could have happened. The Miss Universe organization owes an answer to Arnab!

Our filmi producers would queue up outside to sign up Miss Columbia, not knowing that Salman Khan has already signed her for his next film.

Steve Harvey would be thrown out of his job. He would hold a press conference where he would throw a chappal at the Miss Universe organizers photos for implicating him by giving him incorrect call cards.

And so the chaos would continue till Aamir Khan would feature it in his programme Satyamev Jayate. It would be a fitting end. And we, in India, would clap with tears in our eyes when Aamir would tell us that truth ultimately wins.

At least it does…on television!

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